'The door closed when I finally realised the fall had become my new foundation. I could go no lower. I could not dig my way to China or to the core of the earth. I had reached the lowest point of my life and now I had to get the hell out of there and so I needed to create a new life. It was going to be hard and however hard it was to be, it would be harder resisting change and staying where I was because what I was fighting - I could not see and so I surrendered. It did not mean that I gave up, it just meant that I resigned from hurting anymore - as it was crushing me and my soul.
Surrendering was the only way 'UP' in my eyes and the days, thoughts and feelings I had towards this scared me - but the planning and thoughts of killing myself were now fading and that was a relief. The fight was on - now to survive! My old thoughts now became - I am not giving up or giving in - I am not a quitter, Rome was not built in a day.'
I could see the mountain I had to climb, it was a bloody big one, but I stared at it and thought - you are not going to beat me! And so one day at a time I climbed that big bloody mountain singing 'Rome was not built in a day.' Some days it was exhausting, some challenging, many days in tears with more DIVA like tantrums and some beautiful, but I walked it, climbed it, crawled it, tripped and stumbled and now I am alive, kicking and have a huge major fire in my belly which cannot be put out.
Pompoms, Red Wine, Love & Therapy is based on my journey up that bloody mountain with the determination to focus on self-renewal after the loss of my human spirit. The blog will be a base for all to learn, discuss, laugh and - develop the mental toughness I used to create a new life - one with self-love not anti-depressants.
My message is loud and strong with my concerns that when we lose our human spirit - do we have the right to fix it with pills? We know we are connected - Mind, Body & Spirit - so why are we forgetting the human spirit? Are we valuing ourselves or a pill?
Once told by a psychologist that I was bordering Bipolar - because I had mood swings and threw DIVA-style tantrums, I explained I am a woman and my mood swings are part of my DNA - however my tantrums are due to a back injury which has stopped me living my life - I want coping mechanisms from him, not a label!
I will never forget that day, that moment when another human being, a professional looked at me like I did not exist or I was not important enough to exist.
Today - less DIVA tantrums, some mood swings - (we know what causes them) and I live with purpose, laughter, love, good friends, family and wine!!!
Disclaimer: I choose not to offend or insult anyone who reads my blog. I am blunt, I seek the truth and believe not everyone on this planet suffers from Bipolar. My concerns are in respect to individuals using Dr Google to determine that they are depressed and then live on pills. My motivation for this blog and soon to be best seller is to open your minds to a world of self-worth and self-love and to live a happy healthy quality life without expectations, using Mental Toughness. You do not need to seek validation from anyone else when you love your SELF! If you choose to be insulted or offended, either let me know - or think about what you are holding onto as it is like ice and it burns like hell - and that is toxic living. Breakaway from what is holding you down or back - it is not worth it! Be kind to your SELF! Love B. x
Image: Lorraine Cohen